A Mother’s Heart…

Life is truly beautiful………. Have you ever wondered who has created this world? I am sure you have … Look at the Mother's Heartsky. It is vast and endless. The blue hue in it is nothing but mesmerizing. Then there are glorious sunrise and golden sunset. The stars and their twinkle around the orbed maiden of the sky, the moon, make the sight just heavenly. The trees in our surroundings add to the elegantly beautiful colour schemes of the world we live in. The leaves of trees are green. However, their trunk is brown. The flowers, busy in diffusing their fragrance to the surroundings, are of diversified hues. Just name any colour and we have trees with different and multicolored flowers. Someone has definitely created this world. Isn’t?

I still remember those days when I was a sweet little girl— Naughty, Innocent and Free going. No worries! All the time GIGGLING AROUND WITH LIFE— Enjoying life— The sky was adorned with rain clouds— The trees in the garden swayed with joy. And the air was filled with the sweet smell of wet mud— It was truly glorious. And, I remember, looking up at the thundering sky while saying— “God, You are truly great”.

The next thing, I remember, was Oops how did time fly? Sweet little girl was now a mother— A mother of a sweet little boy who is her navigator— Sweet little boy, cute red fair with green eyes, in her laps. It seemed the entire childhood was clutched in her lap— His small little podgy hands were so soft. And, I remember, looking up at the thundering sky while saying—“God, You are truly great”.

I gave my sweet little boy a kiss. I kept seeing into his eyes, the green and cute eyes. Now, I wanted him see me, feel me and lure me by his sweet smile. But I felt something unusual. I felt confused— I touched his eyes. They felt open. Suddenly I felt very scared— While being new to the garden of motherhood I still felt odd and abnormal since I could sense some kind of abnormality in my navigator. My existence, both physical and mental, was torn into pieces. I was feeling lost, empty and alone. The world, to me, appeared to its end. The world, which looked so exciting, just turned into an unexciting one in a moment. It was an indescribable feeling— A feeling, which if I ever feel again I would dread— I knew now something had gone wrong with me. I felt that I would be a mother of a child who is blind. And I started to cry. All family members rushed in— Immediately a series of tests were taken and then they gave me the news, I, being mother, already knew. I was depressed and angry— I hated the world— And looking up at the thundering sky while saying—“God, You cannot do this to me”. I turned from God lover to God hater.

Life, at times, takes a very sharp turn in its hues of brilliant colours. Sometimes it gets dulled by some experiences ——– Experiencing motherhood is something we reminisce about. However, suddenly when you come to know that you are a mother of a child who is BLIND the life starts putting a big question mark????????????? Why me???

I am a mother of a Disabled child —— Yes, I mean it. When I came to know that my child is blind, the cold chills went through me. These cold passages were hitting me inside out. Everything was getting murkier while strong blue black shadows were engulfing me. I started taking a big gasp. I was scared. I struggled immensely to move on while going through this since all, around me, were staring at me with such a pity and sympathy. What had happened? What went wrong? Where was the fault? Cold seeped in through my bones and I looked at it, as if I was shriveled up dying for want of life. Where was the mistake made? What went wrong that it left me in this state of abandonment? I was disheartened, disappointed and totally frustrated. I felt very dependent and helpless. I was wondering— “Why Me???”

Every girl, in this world, has many dreams – a dream of a smart, good looking husband and a cute healthy baby. What would her world turn to when the same girl dreaming of her dreams comes to know that she is a mother of a visually handicapped child? For sure, it would send a shiver through her dreams and nerves. A situation cries out and mourns for her. Gaps start to appear in her world of dreams and in a moment her world of dreams, which she has built over the years, evaporates in a thin air. The end result, she is pushed into an ocean, of pains and sorrow, wherein she gets lost amongst the depths of it. That situation, barring a mother, no creature on the earth can feel. Purely a mother’s kitty!

The poor girl, while making her entry into an ocean of pains, is left with many questions and the very first question that haunts her would be—————————Why Me Only? Strange yet true, when I came to know that my child is Blind, I asked God the same question. Why Me?????

From being God lover to God hater yet the very fundamental question started to creep into my feelings. Is there a God? This is what I started asking myself. Suddenly I felt someone whispered in my heart— “Life is full of choices, so choose to be happy”. It seemed somebody was right there consoling me while whispering into my ears, “You have a mission in life. You have to do my incomplete job. Everything will be ok. I am there for you”. I swung my hands everywhere to feel who was there? I felt nothing. “Talk to me, tell me more”. This is what I wanted. However, I heard nothing. That night when I slept I kept dreaming of the words I had heard. When I woke up the next morning I felt happy and hopeful after a long time. I knew, this time, the feeling was weird again but it felt good and hopeful.

At breakfast I announced to my Husband, “I will call this cute boy AARUSH, the first ray of the rising sun. He is my mission that I have to complete now. He is my journey. Let me enjoy it.” My husband was overwhelmed with emotion. I knew he had tears in his eyes. I felt those tears. He just managed to squeeze my hand. That beautiful morning was the beginning.

Is there God????????????????? This was the answer I was looking for.

Yes, there is! That is what I got that day.

Where does he live?

He lives in my faith. He lives in my prayers.

Now I was on a learning table. Being mother of a disabled child was indeed challenging. Of course, I must admit though that I found it quite difficult— It was one of those days when I was sitting in the room thinking and sulking. I was very disappointed and sad that day— I didn’t know if I could move ahead and offer my son the best normal environment. “It is too tough.” I cried then. Suddenly I saw sweet little boy on the bed smiling and holding my hand as such saying, “Mom, just held me tight, And I know you will climb up to it. I will make sure you do.”

My little sweetheart, that day, made me feel that if one cannot see something, it never means that it does not exist there. Though climbing the mountain was difficult, however, I knew the MISSION was there for me to accomplish. I knew what God wanted me to understand. Thereafter, my outlook of the surroundings started to change. I started talking about how beautiful the world looks. Really, the world started looking beautiful. My sweetheart’s smile, his crawl, his walk, and his first talk I started to enjoy.

One day I got lost in a deep thought. I felt something was missing when the mother next to me said, “You are a lucky mother. You have, at least, a boy who can talk, walk, think and smile. However, look at my boy. He cannot talk. He cannot walk. He cannot hear my whisper.” I felt very sad, after listening to her, and got offended again with God since I openly disagree with some of the things HE does in this world especially with mothers. Many times I had questions for God, conversations with HIM but in the end I resigned to HIS ways because I trust HIM. In spite of being unfair to me I love HIM because HIS designs are meant for our betterment.

And that day, after a painful conversation with that mother, I felt I was lucky. I learnt that while the light in my son’s eyes is mute but he must see the world with the light in his heart. There I realized. I mustered courage while washing away my tears and felt the life how it is. Life is a different game to play with. Life has beautiful mysteries for us to solve. Life, being game in its nature, is all about how we play it. I learnt that we got to win this game of life. We got to win it with compassion, gratitude, hope and above them all with courage.

When the world says, “Give up”. Hope whispers. Life has a very different way of teaching. Practical come first learning happens later. No one knows what God wants us to do? God is our well wisher. HE wants us to progress. That is how God made mothers and that is how HE chooses mothers for disabled children? Have you ever wondered how HE chooses mothers of handicapped children?

Somehow, in my case, I visualized God was enjoying his painting. After HE completed HIS painting HE realized that HE forgot to put a colour in the eyes. HE hovered over the earth to select HIS painting for propagation, a search for a mother who could take care of this painting while enjoying it. Finally HE instructed HIS angel to give his painting to a girl turned mother. That is me.

The angel was curious? He asked God, “Why this one to Anjina? She is so happy.”

God replied, “Could I give this child to a mother who does not know laughter?

Has she the Patience, asked the angel.

God replied, “Once the shock and resentment weaves off she will handle it. When her child says ‘Mumma’ for the first time she will feel the happening of a miracle. She will be never alone. I will be at her side at every minute because she is doing my work.”

Then I realized my blind son, Aarush, is my Purpose, my Mission, my Courage and my Hope. He has taught me to be grateful. He taught me how merely looking at things another way can change them. He has prepared me for armour of patience. He taught me to be grateful for the things I am blessed with. He has enabled me——– enabled me to see that pain in other mothers’ eyes. He has given me courage to say, “Is everything ok? Do you need to talk? It has enabled me to pray harder and live deeper than I ever know was possible. He has taught me true treasures of life.

Let us speak and speak out mother’s heart and share the feelings which only mothers understand. Salute to all mothers from a mother specially those who are upbringing a disabled child. Please do not forget that they are doing God’s incomplete work so HE will be there always as HE knows better – a mother’s heart.

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Anjina Koul Bhat

Anjina Koul Bhat

The write, an MBA graduate, since school days has been passionate about writing, debating and sharing thoughts. However, it all culminated into being a blogger recently after sharing her simple experience with mothers of disabled children that lit up their eyes as if new lease of life has dawned upon them. Blogging, from now onwards, will be another way of remaining in touch with mothers who want answers to numberless questions they have about their disabled children. She is accessible at anjina@aarush.biz

3 Comments

  1. Hi Anjina!
    Life is indeed beautiful and it has many mysteries for us to solve. With these words of yours’ I am really moved by the way you have handled it. On one side I am thrilled to see you, my school friend turned mother, with an appetite enticed by a diet of hope, courage and inspiration, and a girl I knew in school then for her panache. You have taken it a thrill at every step and this is where I feel thrilled. Hats off to you! On other side I feel the pains that I, being friend, ought to feel. That said is very normal. Let me not dive into these pains, however, what I see even in the clouds of these pains is your panache since you have managed to translate the sorrows to joys. That is a remarkable achievement. Keep the flames burning!

  2. Hi,Anjana Pl accept my wholehearted wishes &support for this remarkable cause and Mission.In fact Gods blessings whom we call our children does not have any disablity and rather are the special ones with more skills&Intellect . I always have compared myself with my special younger brother who has congenital nerve problem,he was outstanding in every sphere of life . I saw ,noticced my mother always treating him as normal and yes he grew like me.Salute to all such mothers.

  3. what to write i am at loss of words,no words can be good enough for the initiative taken by you.i pray to god that you be bestowed with courage and patience and you be able to take your mission to greater heights.

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